Every time one of my facebook friends acquires a different surname upon marriage a little piece of me dies. Yes, it’s a ‘choice’, but it’s the wrong choice. It has to be one the most explicitly sexist customs remaining in Australia. It makes me so sad that women do it.
My sister is getting married next year and a couple of months ago I nervously asked her if she was going to keep her surname. Thankfully, she said she probably would. Her reasoning was a combination of not really understanding the point of it (yay for logic!) and not liking her fiancé’s surname.
I like the first reason, but I think the second one is irrelevant. Not liking your partner’s surname is often referred to by women who choose to retain their surname after marriage. Perhaps it’s one way that women can placate people who show concern over them not taking their husband’s name. Saying ‘oh, I don’t really like the sound of it’ is far less provocative than ‘I don’t want to’ or ‘I don’t understand the point of it’, or ‘It’s a sexist tradition’. To many, flouting that tradition is ‘radical’ and obviously has feminist undertones. Some women may want to avoid getting into a feminist debate, and explain their choice to retain their name in terms less provocative. This is understandable, but I wish it wasn’t so! I say, bring it on. If retaining your name is provocative to some, then bring on the feminist debate.
Another common reason women give is for ‘professional purposes’. A friend asked me once if that was why I kept my name. I said no, I kept my name because I believe a woman changing her name upon marriage is an appalling and outdate sexist tradition. I wish women didn’t need to ‘explain’ their choice to retain their surname. When I got married, my mum said ‘good on you’ with a wistful glint in her eye; my dad said, ‘oh, you’re one of these new age women’ and laughed.
Essentially I think it is wrong for feminists to judge women for making choices. I think feminism should be about choice (full stop). People who blindly change their name, well that is different.
I think feminism would do well to be more welcoming of choice!
Thanks for your comment Kate. I agree that women should have choice. Perhaps there are some good reasons for a woman to take her husband’s name. Can’t think of any though…..
The word ‘choice’ can be used for purposes that have little to do with women’s freedom. The ‘choice’ to be a stay-at-home mum is not much of a choice if your partner, friends and family expect it of you, and you can’t afford childcare. The ‘choice’ to wear make-up to a job interview is not much of a choice if you really need the job and you know that you will be judged on your appearance and all the other female candidates will be wearing make-up. When a woman ‘chooses’ to watch pornography, she may be doing so because otherwise her partner will sulk, call her unreasonable and generally make life hell.
Individualisng decisions by refering to them as ‘choice’ doesn’t really help to tackle social structures that oppress groups of people. If an equal number of men as women changed their surnames when they married, I would call this a fair choice. Until then, I think the ‘choice’ women are making is a false one.
” Until then, I think the ‘choice’ women are making is a false one.”
Wow, that was pretty much what I was going to say. Thank you for this one
Thanks for your supportive comment Aileen (again!). This is quite a touchy issue because it offends a lot of people who can be quite enlightened about feminism and all that jazz. Some of my closest friends have changed their names and I am torn when they do. On the one hand, I want to talk to them about it, but on the other I don’t want to put our friendship in danger….
Totally agree. Catherine Deviney wrote a great article about this. In it she makes some great points about how all of the excuses, eg: he has a better name, the kids needs the same name would be all valid excuses if men chose their wife surnames just as often but they don’t. She worded it a lot better but you get the point.
My husband and I recently talked about going one step further and giving out future children (if we have any) a hyphenated surname which incorporates both of our mothers maiden names.
Hi K. That sounds like a good idea – mothers’ maiden names…. I think I may have read that article you mention, or one similar. It baffles me that there aren’t more articles out there, that there isn’t a conversation happening about it. In Spain I think kids take both parents’ last names so everyone has these really cool long names : ) Why not?
I’ve got the perfect solution… make the men change their last names to the woman’s last name. That way, they can both have the same name… no raised eyebrows, and men can give up their identity for a few centuries.
I’m in North America and here my friends keep marrying and changing their last names too . I would never tell them so, but it really bums me out. A few of them have held out but then they had babies, gave their baby the dad’s last name, and they changed their last names too.
If/when (hopefully when) I have children I will give my sons their father’s last name, and if I have daughters, they’ll be given my name. Hyphenating seems too messy and I’ve seen a few teenage kids with hyphenated names who ended up dropping one of the names (moms) once they get older.